Here is an interesting dilemma for me being a perfectionist...the desire for relief and to approach living life differently, while clinging on to and using the habits of perfectionism to push through the healing process. Gonna admit - it kinda backfired.
Everything I read about changing your life must be geared towards people who don't know how to take action. Perfectionists don't have a "doing" problem, they have a "being" problem. See I got lots and lots of things done. I was a master of the to-do list and crossing stuff off of it, only to look around and find more to put on it again. Relentless productivity and an inner critic that was non-stop! My mind would say things like "you missed this" "you forgot to say that" "you sat on the couch for too long" "you should have_________" and on and on and on. What I could not figure out was how to just be in the moment. How do I actually enjoy the journey and not just speed to the destination and slam the "done" button.
Perfectionists have a much deeper hidden problem, that if unaddressed remains constant throughout their lives. Their problem is that they don't accept themselves or the truth of their past. They hide behind masks and rely on coping strategies that at one time worked for survival, but after a while begin to break down. They work harder and harder to keep the masks on and become more productive to fit all of the things in one day - only to reach burnout at some point in their life.
As a recovering perfectionist, I struggle with not being busy. Busy protects me from feeling and seeing the truth. Busy keeps my voices at bay. I also find that healing and busy don't actually support each other. I am a controller of time you see, and the clock is ticking, so let's hurry up and check off this healing stuff! Got things to do, people to see, places to go!
Big overwhelming emotions? No thanks - I'm good.
Eventually, the stress ramps up and the perspective narrows and the endless analytical loop plays over and over on repeat. The depression and anxiety kick up a level or two and the "I am not good enough" theme song starts to play. How many of you know this is happening inside your perfectionist loved one? I would say - not too many. You see we tend to suffer in silence. We keep the outside looking really good so that no one can see what is happening on the inside. If we are productive and get things done, then you have no idea that there is anything wrong - because my favorite response is "I'm FINE."
Perfectionism is a mental health condition; it can lead to hidden depression. It took me years to really accept this, and I finally felt validated when I read Perfectly Hidden Depression by Margaret Robinson Rutherford. It is a coping strategy for managing chaos and trying to earn love from other people as well as earn love from myself. It's trauma, and it messes with my ability to rest and recharge. I am really good at pushing through the body signals that tell me to rest. I believed that I needed to work harder and produce more just to carry my own weight and be valuable. You see, I deep down felt that I didn't deserve what I had. That is a deep wound that seems irrational, and I bet that others have their own version of it. A fear of being kicked out of the tribe for being who they really are, meaning certain death for being an outsider...yep, also mine!
What am I doing to turn these wounds into scars? That is the key, to be able to operate from the scars and not the open wounds. I am focusing on calming my nervous system down. I have started to focus on nutritional support and removing foods I am sensitive too, I have walked away from work that I am no longer aligned to, I have walked away from relationships that weren't supportive, and I am focusing on healing my mind, body and spirit. I'm using guided meditation, crystal sound healing, journaling, emotional release techniques (such as The Emotion Code, Emotional Freedom Technique and breathwork), and finding acceptance of who I am through the exploration of Quantum Human Design. I finally see that I am not a mistake, I am designed for a specific purpose.
It's been so insightful. I have focused so much effort on shifting and releasing energy patterns that I am no longer experiencing the background anxiety I once had. I am feeling like I am stepping out of zombie land and back into the land of humans again. I am finding I can breathe easier and deeper. I am finding that sometimes when I get tensed up the best thing for me to do is actually to go lay down for a bit. I am on the path to learning what putting myself first really looks like. No more people pleasing, no more fitting in! It is time to laugh and play and tap into wonder and excitement for what lies ahead.
If you are exhausted and your strategies aren't letting you really live the life you are dreaming about, then I invite you to partner with me. Together we can get you standing on solid ground and begin the journey of remembering who you truly are - vital and irreplaceable!
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